Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Control…Sure I’ve got it!

So 2011 has been crazy out of control with all kinds of surprises!
Once again God has tapped me on my shoulder to remind me that I am not the one in control…He is!    Probably the last five years of my life I have learned more about “control” than ever before, well I am still in the learning process.  It is not that I am a “control” fanatic but I do like to sorta, kinda, have an idea of what is gonna happen.  I am not a big fan of surprises.
PD- PD is not feeling well and it is so apparent: elevated blood pressure, headache, dizziness and swelling, pre - Preeclampsia per her obstetrician.  She does not complain but I can tell.  I worry.  I want to “control” the situation.  I want to not work and be available to take care of her and Hudson.  I want to “watch” over them to make sure that they are okay.  But in all reality that is not possible- so I PRAY 24-7 that God keeps his hand over her and Hudson and he protects them…got to give it to God!
Parent’s illness- both of my dear parents have been ill.  My daddy has been hospitalized two times within the last three weeks.  He has been so sick and it breaks my heart.  He has always been the strong one to take care of everything, especially for my mom and myself.  He has been our hero.  As I watched my daddy suffer with pain, something that my daddy just does not do because he is a true MAN, I wanted to “control” the pain, and once again something I could not do.  My mother was hospitalized during that same time period at a different hospital.  I could not get to her because I was with my daddy so my brother that lives near she and my dad took care of her (which he is wonderful and I am so thankful that he takes such good care of them).  But again, “control”, I could not be in two places at one time.  I wanted to be with my mom too!  Lucky for us we they were discharged from the hospital the same day and were back home, together, where they desperately wanted to be!  But again, I want to be able to take care of them but they live two plus hours away…”control”…got to give it to God!
Migraine Headaches – learning to deal with these crazy things has been mind boggling to say the least:  New meds, nerve blocks, blurred vision, twitching eyes, inability to think of words to complete a sentence, scary and embarrassing at times, again something I cannot “control”…got to give it to God!
Work- busy and I am very thankful, but if ever I need time off it is now.  Impossible! “Control”…take deep breaths!  Just want to throw my hands up in the air and forget that I have bills to pay…got to give it to God!
The hardest lesson I ever learned was when I went through my separation and divorce several years ago.  I just could not understand why I could not “control” the situation with my marriage.  I wanted to “control” what was happening or rather what was not happening.  I desperately wanted my marriage to mend and be made whole, but that was not the plan. 
Most importantly to me, I could not understand why God who had blessed my marriage could “un- bless” my marriage.    As I struggled with this question, and to be honest my anger, my dear mother reminded me daily that God had selected a different “path” for my life and that I may not know the direction but that I just had to trust that He knew what was best.
My life was crazy out of “control” and I could not grasp why!   There goes that “control” thing again…had to give it to God!
So here it is at 3:30am, I have had my talk with God and I am trying desperately again to resolve my “control” issues…….Giving it to God!